As reported by Jeff Levi.
Los Angeles — The mystery of America’s most dangerous intersection has been solved.
An unlikely culprit appeared in court today for a hearing about his involvement in 9,342 traffic accidents in the last 24 months alone: the traffic light itself.
“For years we thought it was like the Bermuda Triangle,” said Officer Speedump, posted to the area for the last 15 years. “And now this. Crazy. How could we have missed it?”
“Yeah, the paramedics have had a standing watch since ’07,” said a local bookie present during the arrest. “And people bet on how long between accidents. It was good, good business, all down the tubes now,” he said wistfully.
“I’m a Pisces, and was never meant to be an immovable object,” the Traffic Light told the judge. “I see all these people coming and going. And they leave me. They ALL leave me!” he screamed. “I just wanted some of them to hang around for a while, that’s all.”
His court assigned attorney tried to keep him from speaking further, but the Light continued, “So you and you, GREEN! You may drive now…and then I’m like, Oh no! You’re not getting past me anymore, RED! So you can just cool your jets, Jenny. I am red AND green and I control the scene!”
The judge reminded him of his right to silence, but the Light responded with, “They looked at me. I liked that. In fact, the longer I waited to make my move to green, the more attention I got. I won’t say that wasn’t part of it.”
“He is forthcoming about being both red and green,” said a psychologist, brought in for an initial diagnosis of the defendant, “but when I asked him about yellow, he was visibly shaken, and he said, ‘we don’t talk about yellow, no! A filthy, wishy-washy, in-between nothing!!’”
“He doesn’t accept yellow,” the doctor continued, “it’s all or nothing with him. That will need to be reintegrated for him to heal.”
At the conclusion of the hearing, the Light said quietly, “I know I need help, and now I’ll get it. I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused.” He then added loudly, “It was an…accident!” and laughed maniacally as he was wheeled away by sanitarium orderlies.
No bail was set.
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