Fine. Jokes, whatever…

Hard Day?

My Monkey and his banana

 Maybe this will help, or maybe it won't. But either way you'll get your money's worth.


Is the speed of light impatient or what??

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I just now received my diploma from the “College of the Criminally Contented.” Succeeding was all about expectations: you set your bar low - I steal shoelaces. But I have most of China's.

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My friend yelled, “Head’s up!” And I yelled back, “What’s it doing up there?” He’s such a nut…

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The first thing I usually do on Mondays is wish it wasn't one.

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Wait. I don't have to?

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Dear Trump,

I believe everything you say.

Except when you use words

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Everyone says Fridays are a great day to take off early, but I’m not a pilot, so now I’m waiting on bail.

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It's not even Halloween yet, and I ate too much candy. But only for a second.

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In the fall, do pumpkins and turkeys share the same dark dreams?

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Halloween is such nice holiday. You get to sit back and feed the kids. To monsters.

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I will not be topped. My neighbor had triplets Halloween morning, but I got five pumpkins (that’s quintumpkins). And I cut all their heads off.

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I met a con man once. He told me to look him up at a political convention. When I got there, he was everybody.

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I saw a sign that said, “no fires within 200 feet.” But I couldn’t get mine any higher than 75.

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Men of action draw lines in the sand. Women of action make sure men never learn how to draw.

I got a cactus. I keep it in a pizza box. That way if I'm hungry in the middle of the night, I still stay on my diet.

I tried to compete with a bird. But….the fucking WINGS, you know?

If you open a fire hydrant and fish come out, does that mean if you swim in the ocean you’ll catch fire?

I’m an expert at comparison. But probably not as good as you.

I stared at this girl and she blinked, and I was gone.

Cats with claws are dangerous. Cats without claws are feather dusters.

I really needed to reduce the anxiety in my bedroom. So I hired someone else to sleep in it.

I wanted to be more efficient about getting to work, so I built a sliding ramp from my bedroom to the bathroom. The bathroom in my office.

I posses a fair amount of doubt. I also posses a toaster. But I can’t make anything that tastes good out of doubt.

I like to fingerpaint – but I use housepaint – it’s so homey.

It’s embarrassing when people beg right in front of you. That’s why I always fax mine.

The weather is so bad in my neighborhood I jog inside, up and down the hall. It’s not long, so I see a lot of the same stuff, but I can always find my way home.

I invented a kissing machine. It was dangerous, it wouldn’t stop. I sold it for a LOT of money.

I was going to completely reduce my carbon footprint until I found out that suicide is frowned upon.

The purpose of clams is to be available to those people who misspell calm — and are hungrier.

I found a reflective riddle, it asked me how good I was and I asked it how good it was.

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